I represent the nobodies.

 All the nobodies, please stand up!

Alone and missing my wife.

 Was at the shop today. Everybody left at 6pm so I was alone until I closed. I had Tom Waits playing while I did my work. Tom Waits songs makes me miss my wife. Sometimes to the point of tears. How I wished she was with me today...

In a land there's a town, 
And in that town there's a house, 
And in that house there's a woman, 
And in that woman there's a heart I love,
I'm gonna take it with me when I go. 

Take It With Me - Tom Waits 

The fucking Malay idiot who couldn't stop fucking talking in the bus.

 There is this fucking Malay man whom God has created to test my very fucking patience. He would somehow take the same fucking bus as me on my way home. He couldn't keep his fucking stinking mouth shut and just keeps yapping and yapping on his fucking phone while in the bus. And when I say stinking mouth, I do mean it literally. His breath stinks the fucking bus when he opens his mouth.

Why can't I just avoid him then? Because he would always board the bus I'm on later at a different bus stop. If we were at the same bus stop, I would most definitely skip the bus he's taking and wait for another one.

But bad breath is not the only thing. The volume of his voice is loud and he just couldn't fucking stop talking! If 1 call ends, he will call another person and continues talking. How many friends can this motherfucker have?! Do they not smell his breath and tell him to shut the fuck up? If he was my friend and he called, I wouldn't even answer the call. Or even if I did, it would be just to tell him to fuck off planet earth. 

I fucking hate people talking in the bus. Talking is fine, if it's important. But don't go and make a phone call just for some casual talk. Shut the fuck up so others in the bus can have their peace. I'm not a mean person but he needs to fucking die...!

Stressed

 I'm very stressed right now. My wife asked if we can go for a holiday in Langkawi. It's like an advanced 30 year wedding anniversary. We got married on Friday, the 13th of December, 1996.

I've said many, many times to her I can't travel anymore. I hate going on holidays. I hate the hassle of it all. I do not see a point in it. And I really, really don't like it.

But the main reason why is because I really don't have the money to be going on a holiday. I keep telling her it's really tough for me as I have to save money for a few investments/projects right now. I just have too many things to pay for. I am trying my best to spend as little as possible. I even skip meals if I have to.

Then she'll say "ok, then no need.". AND SHE'LL ASK AGAIN IN A FEW DAYS OR A WEEK OR SO!

I'm not angry at her. I would love to give her what she wants. I love her so very much. But I just can't do it with money I don't have. I'm already very stressed thinking about how I'm going to be able to manage to save money in time for the upcoming show. I've committed to contribute $5k for it and as hard as I try, I could hardly save much each month because there are other expenses/ investments I've committed to along the way.

I don't think she understands how I feel right now. She will say just say no. No need to get so worked up. Well then stop asking! It's stressing me out! I hate this feeling!

In it for the long haul...

 ...but for the wrong reason.

Brag all you want about your 30+ years in the scene. It means nothing if you're in it for the wrong reason.

Or did you forget as you went along? A little fame or recognition made you delusional. Your association with the who's who of the Hardcore/Punk scene gave you the impression that you are an "important" person yourself.

You are not. None of us are.

I've observed long enough. And many of us do not mean what we say in our songs or on stage. Preach and preach and preach and preach some more! It's all performative activism to me.

Speak less, do more. 

Most versatile vehicle.

Batman may have his Batmobile. Wonder Woman may have her Invisible Plane. Their vehicles can do many other things aside from being just a mere form of transportation. But there is no vehicle out there more versatile than this one...

Woe is me / Drama queens

I sometimes understand why the family ignores me. But this doesn't mean what I say isn't true. They ARE drama queens, my son included. 

The daughter turned 24 yesterday.

 So my daughter turned 24 yesterday and she acts like she's 68.

The guilt trip is real.

 I've been wanting to buy chocolate milk for the past few days but both the NTUCs I went to near my home didn't stock up on it. Yesterday morning, I opened the fridge and saw chocolate milk. So then I took the cereal (cornflakes) and there was just enough for 1 serving. Thankfully. I poured it into the bowl, poured the chocolate milk and ate. Nothing to it. Just another breakfast. Until somebody guilt-tripped me!

I didn't have to feel bad about it for 2 main reasons:-

1) It's not like there was much cereal left and I finished it all anyway. 

2) Look at the time he sent the message. 1:43pm! That's not breakfast time, sukka!

 But did I feel bad about it? Yes, I did. Now if there's only 1 serving left in the cereal box, I'm not sure if I will eat it. Or even if I did, I would get all sweaty and nervous for fear of being called out. Thanks son...

She's Mexican

 I never knew. Took me 30 years being married to her. Life just keeps throwing me curveballs. Sigh...

Yellow

 Being offensive without even trying...

Anti-sequence

 I'm starting to realise that my posts are not in sequence. I'll be writing about something today and tomorrow I'd be writing about something that happened last week.

I guess it's kind of like what my life is like. I'm all over the place, devoid of any kind of sequence. 

All hell broke loose

 Last weekend at the store, a bunch of us were chilling when out of nowhere, a friend's wife expressed interest in doing an interview with us all. It was kinda quiet at first until I responded by saying "Interview kerja ke apa?".

We all started laughing and pandemonium ensued. Everybody else has shit to say. It went from one bad suggestion to absurdly retarded ones. We had a good laugh.

Cranky

 I have been really cranky at work lately. Just always in a bad mood and full of hatred towards people in general. People are just asshats. I really have such a deep hatred for them.

Today, for example, a patron at the library asked a staff for ointment because she got bitten by a mosquito. Eh bitch, we're not a pharmacy! For fuck's sake. 

Wife's birthday yesterday

 It was my wife's 52nd birthday yesterday. I was asking her how she felt being 52 and if she's happy with where she's at right now and she was like "Ok lah.".

Sensing something from the lacklustre response, I asked if anything was wrong. I reminded her of all the things she can be thankful for - a good high salary job, gets to do stuff she enjoys doing like pickleball with friends, yoga and stuff and also travel.

She said she feels I neglect her sometimes.

Work has been hectic lately. And when I'm not working, I try to go to the store, which she did think was a good idea initially. But not so much anymore. Because it also means I more or less don't have an off day. Because my off days are spent at the store.

You win some, you lose some. We just have to make the best of what little time we have left for each other. 

About last night

 Anyway, after "the dangerous meeting" while we were all walking to the mrt station to go home, Zahid tried to explain that the plastic he bought was actually the plastic containers for packing food, not plastic bags. To which I replied, "You use those plastic containers to shit in?! That's even harder to do!". And we laughed some more. But on my long bus ride home, when I thought about it, it pissed me off. Because now that he explained it's actually plastic containers, our group study was pointless. All that effort we took to find the best way to shit in a plastic bag had gone to waste.

Looks like we need another dangerous meeting to discuss how to best shit in a plastic container.

A dangerous meeting

 Had a dangerous meeting yesterday at the store with 2 old friends - Zahid and Bob. Zahid was the last to reach. He had told me earlier he needed to go home first after his funeral job to take a shit. So when he arrived I asked if he took a shit and what took him so long? He said he needed to get plastic. So then I said "Kau berak dalam plastik?", which basically means you took a shit in a plastic bag? Then we laughed at how absurd it was.

The conversation got dragged to how to properly take a shit in plastic. Once we got that figured out - yes we actually did a group study and analysis plus discussion on what would work best (because at our age there really isn't much else to think about) - we spoke about this present, weak generation like a bunch of grumpy old men. As it turns out, we can't stand them. Not all, of course. But a large majority of them. My kids are safe. Because they are my kids. Other people's kids can go to hell.

I remember telling them how much I hated it when people say "Emotional abuse hurts more than physical abuse.". Everytime I hear this, in my head I'm thinking "How about you let me emotionally abuse you for 5 minutes and then on round 2, I punch your face for 5 minutes then you tell me which one hurts more? Mafaka, you would probably be unconscious or dead by then to tell me which one hurts more. So shut the fuck up already. Emotional abuse hurts more, bitch!

Last thing that came up was a hot favourite, Kitaro. It was a theory I thought of on many sleepless nights. The theory was that it doesn't take much for people to assume that you are a versatile music listener. All you ever need is fucking Kitaro in your album collection. You can have a vast collection of different genres but if you don't have Kitaro, you're just not versatile, yet.

Versatility quiz:-

Collection 1: NAPALM DEATH, METALLICA, KING CRIMSON, NIGHTWISH, BAD RELIGION, GREEN DAY, KATE BUSH, TOM WAITS, BLACK FLAG, BURZUM, MAYHEM, KENDRICK LAMAR, RUN DMC, UJI RASHID, BLACK DOG BONE, PAUL SIMON & ART GARFUNKEL, TOTO, CHICK COREA, LEFTHANDED, STRYPER, MADONNA, BEYONCE, INXS, RICK ASTLEY, STAR WARS OST

Collection 2: SEARCH, WINGS, VAN HALEN, DEF LEPPARD, KITARO

Collection 3: Just KITARO. Nothing else. 

One of the 3 collections is not versatile. And that would be collection 1. Because it doesn't have KITARO.

And at this very moment, I've just sadly realised that most of my friends (and myself too) are not versatile fans of music. We listen to just about anything under the sun but we don't listen to KITARO. HOO!! AHH!!

Could've died. But didn't. Oh well.

 Had a really bad stomachache shortly after dinner last night. So I went to the toilet and felt an intense pain. So intense I blacked out from it. Next thing I knew I was on the floor. And I still wasn't feeling any better. I thought this would be the last of me. I was in pain, I couldn't breathe and I was sweating profusely.

But somehow I made it.

Got through it all and now I'm feeling fine like always. As if nothing had happened. Except I have a bump on my head, some scarring/abrasion on my face, hand, knees and foot (most likely from the fall when I blacked out) and a sore neck and shoulder. 

Anyway, my wife left for holiday this morning to Thailand. Not sure who with. I never asked. So life is peachy. 

Bus ride

 On my bus ride to work this morning, I saw a man pretend to tap his card upon alighting. I wonder why people can be so dishonest. Come to think of it, I used to be dishonest myself. But I was a lot younger at the time. Still not a good excuse. I'm glad I've changed. No wait. Actually...

Writing is therapeutic.

But reading what I write here might not do the same for you. If you don't like it, don't read it. 

My mental wellbeing... or the little (very little) that's left of it.

Was sent to a mental wellness course. Pretty generic course that gives generic advice and how to not treat people like shit even when I think they deserve it. Don't say hurtful things, They may have already contemplated suicide, What you say may have been the straw that broke the camel's back.

But if you think about it, the straw isn't quite the reason. Just merely a catalyst, at best. It just helped speed things up. The thought and intention was already there. So if something did happen, would it be my fault? I don't think so. Plus, if I told you off, you probably deserved it.

I'm not some siao lang (Hokkien/Singlish slang for crazy person) who just randomly curse and swear at people for no reason at all... like the motherfucker at one of the libraries I'm in charge of. That guy is most definitely a siao lang. So much so that all the other siao langs call him a siao lang. That fucker.

Anyway, I recently found out I offended my staff because of an exclamation mark in my message directed at him. Was I angry? At the time, yes, I was. Why? Because he was supposed to fucking complete an online course or something but chose to ignore my team leader's messages so I had to be the one to send another message to ask him to quickly complete the fucking task as I had a deadline to meet!

But how can you assume he was ignoring the TL's message? Because then why was he able to do it immediately after I sent the "angry" message?!

Eh chibai, if you had done it earlier in the first place, I wouldn't have to write you that "angry" message right?! So stop being a pussy and fuck off already.

How can you be so mean? Eh, you all can fuck off also lah!